Maybe I should take my chances and keep wearing my leather jacket this winter? It’s not at all as cold as some people like to think. But wearing a leather jacket in minus 15 degrees Celsius – do I really want to try that? Especially since I have a tendency to only wear singlets and t-shirts beneath along with a scarf. I’m just not a sweater person.

I guess the leather jacket will have to do until the next salary though, so let’s just hope the temperature doesn’t drop to less than minus 8 during the next half month. I have to start planning things like this better.

There’s just something about the city. Every time I’ve been there, which is quite a few now, I’ve felt overwhelmed by all of it. In a good way. In a “I wanna live there!” way. There’s so much to see, so much to do, just like in most major cities and very much unlike my home town, where I’m currently staying.

But there’s quite a few things stopping me at the moment. One of them is that I need to work for a year to get money, a second is that I’m not sure what I’d be studying there – although probably photography, another is that for photography you don’t get a scholarship for the first year since it’s -technically- not a part of the three year bachelor, and then there’s the thing about me lacking a proper photography portfolio since the old one is way outdated. And what about everything else I also want to do?

In other words, I either need to start working, both with my photography and a proper job, or just drop the entire thing. Don’t really feel like doing anything. It’s still to comfortable to just be at home and relax.

And because I really love this picture!

It was taken on the 1st of March (’09, in Shanghai, of course) during my TFP with Buffy Huang, Sean Green & Amber – but not published as far as I know.

I did my own editing. I’m so in love with the blue tones at the moment. The photographer is Amber.

My hair on the top of my scalp seriously looks white here, but it’s only due to the lights. The colour difference isn’t all that big either. Oh narcissism!

I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I’m completely and utterly confused about the topics “education” and “future occupation”. I’ve already written a great deal about me only wanting to enjoy life as it is, but I’ve also come to the conclusion that with me being incredibly restless it would probably bore me to death before reaching 25. Even if I had millions and never needed to work, I’d still need something to keep me learning and actually enjoying living. Let’s just say I’m not the kind who can lie week after week on the beach, tanning and bathing. I’d be wanting to wander off after a few days of enjoying being lazy, which is why I heavily prefer going on vacation to large cities and not tropical beaches. And besides, I’m scared of both water, fish and sharks.

I’m a dreamer, that’s for sure. I have incredibly many dreams, places to visit, things to see and experience. So why can’t I combine all this? Why can’t I combine my dreams and the occupations I want? I can have hobbies! After all, I already have a whole lot of those. Earlier today I wrote down a list of things I’d like to do and realized that even though I can’t live on all of them, I can combine the ones I can make a living on with the ones I’d have to keep as hobbies. I think I’m repeating myself, as always, but everything seems clearer to me now. Well, at least for now.

The first occupation I wrote down was Art & Antiques dealer. Or, in a perfect world, Art, Antiques and Furniture dealer. I’ve always dreamt of having my own little store. Always as in back in kindergarten when we were playing and I was a shop owner, selling sea shells, stones, buckets, sand figurines and everything else I could get my hands on, and my friends “bought” the stuff I sold with leaves. I’m a complete eBay & art geek so finding stuff to sell in a proper store probably wouldn’t be too difficult. Too bad I have absolutely no clue about economy and how to manage a store. I guess I’d have to learn that first. Business economy classes and a job in a small store maybe? I should probably contact one of those career centres for guidance.

The second thing I wrote down was Photographer. The only hobby I’ve never gotten tired of. Everything else has gotten my interest to fade after a while, but in photography your target always changes. You never need to take pictures of the same thing and there are incredibly many photography categories to explore if you finally grow tired of the thing you usually obsess over capturing. There’s nothing more fun that dressing up and capture the essence and mood of a moment. Plus, I love using photographs as memories of the past. Documenting what I’ve done is essential for my way of being. It would also come in handy during travelling, which I love above all.

My third thought was Writer. I mean, why not? Besides taking pictures, it’s what I do. I know it’s something that’s not easy to live on, and so this is the first thing to go into the hobby category. It can in every way be combined with my forth choice, Blogging. Sharing my thoughts feels amazing sometimes, even if the response I get is neither large nor positive. Maybe I could write about my way too eventful dreams, show some pieces from my dairy, or just rant as I usually do. Last mentioned shouldn’t be too difficult, since I rant way too often and much.

Backpacking around the world isn’t exactly a job either, but since travelling through the entire world is my major life goal it can be combined with everything else I’ve mentioned so far. And besides, I’m addicted to shopping here. I could always buy things to sell off later in my, potential, store. I’d love to go to India, Cambodia, Egypt, Morocco, and the entire South-America before the age of 25.

I’d also like to be a Vintage & Avant Garde jewellery dealer. And that can easily be combined in the store I’d like to have. The only problem would be that I’m not sure I’d be able to sell off the stuff after stocking up. I obsess way too easily.

Now, Make-up Artist isn’t something I need to do no matter what the odds are. It’s more because it would be rather convenient to combine with the photography and because I’m quite vain. I already love experimenting with make up, and the right make up can sometime make the entire photo shoot. Only bad thing is that make up artist classes are quite expensive, and I’m currently a bit broke.

Last occupation I’d like to have is Seamstress. Sewing is fun, looking through fabrics is fun, designing clothing is fun. And who doesn’t want to be able to make their own clothing? It can easily be combined with the shop idea too. Hirr, hirr.

I think I really should contact the nearest career centre and attend the work related gatherings in January. I have one more year before I can start my education anyway. One year of work and pondering about possible options. It’ll be fun I hope, even though my friends will be living far away from me.

I’ve never been a morning person, I won’t even deny it, even though I have my days. Today, I got up, got some tea and breakfast, and started studying my Chinese characters for the chapter 1~30 test (a whole book) without a complaint. Except talking a tiny bit to my flatmate, I was more or less studying the entire morning, just writing strokes and remembering different characters. And I actually felt quite good about it. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that?

I feel much better in general – I guess all bad moods come to an end (and then return later, but hey). Had a long talk with my mum yesterday, and she provided a quite good solution to my school-tiredness problems. So, since I obviously aren’t going back home, I’ll go travelling instead. Sure, I’ll “waste” a whole lot of school money on not being there, but I think seeing both culture and other parts of China will be a good experience. It’s not like I’ll have another chance to see it any time soon. =3

Travelling plans are still being created, and there’s some plans about maaaybe going on a trip to Japan, but we’ll see. That, and I need to get my ass into gear and post pictures.. Maybe next week.

Completely Unrelated;

- Making Latex Clothing. I want to try this sometime!

There are times I feel so shallow that it’s almost sickening. Like every IQ-point I had disappeared the day I realized I could look good. As if every book I’ve read, every article I’ve analysed, studied and written means nothing and that all my, even though sometimes random, knowledge is either gone or good for nothing. Like all my education and good grades were wasted beyond comparison, since I still have no clue of what to become. There was a time, quite a long ago, when I wanted to study psychology, forensic anthropology, sociology or even, at times, literature. Every topic could interest me, every detail was important, and my education – state of mind – mattered. Now I’m blank. I felt challenged by studying Chinese for a while, but I realize now more than ever that, as I’ve always been saying, I have the attention span of a gold fish. I can’t stay focused for more than a few months at the time, I never have and probably never will. Maybe I do have a will of fire when it comes to starting something new, but I almost never finish what I start. How am I supposed to finish a university degree like this? What could I possibly work as when I don’t want to stay in one place for more than a few months?

I think that if I first manage to start school again after this year with Chinese, I’ll probably study “something within art”. I do have more thoughts on the matter, but chances are I’ll change my mind once more. Art history? Literature? Clothing design, photography, mixed-media paintings or seamstress studies? I already love all of them. I’d love to make my own clothes, fire off my mind with paintings, or live off my stories and “rants”, the last one because it’s something I’ve done since I was somewhere around 12 and never have gotten tired of. Photography would be amazing too, but taking pictures because other people would want me to and pay me for it removes all the love I have for it, and all the passion to continue with it.

Should I be honest and seem even more shallow while feeling even better?

I would like to do nothing. Nothing. All I really, truly, want is to travel the world while writing and taking pictures of it.

There’s always so many things I need to do, and a year is such little time to make so many dreams come true in. I managed to finish last year’s resolutions because I kept everything realistic, even though I dreamt a lot when I made them. It must sound a bit silly, but instead of in a blur in the beginning of January and then start trying to solve them right away, I usually make them proper and realistic as the year goes on. They start out as dreams for the new year, and then I shape them into something do-able. Y’know, and then I make myself a list of all the smaller pieces and parts I need to do to get the big dream come true.

50 small dreams are easier to fulfil than one huge. And now, after thinking of it for quite a few hours, I think the two large goals for me this year will be to start the beginning of a great portfolio for modelling, and to get enough photography experience to master using a strobe properly. Next year I’ll hopefully be good enough at distributing my time enough to decide joining the Flickr 365 Days challenge. The mini-goals are many, many, but like I said – I’ll make that up as I go along.

I need to loose some weight too, or actually I don’t – but I want to be a perfect XS again and not just a half size in between XS and S. Probably won’t though, unless it happens by it self. I’m really not a big fan of dieting.

Happy Brilliant New Year, darlings! It will be. Feel like sharing your own New Year Resolutions?

Being materialistic to an incredible degree, it was a quite new kind of day for me. It’s one of the things I thought I’d never admit, not even to myself. While trying desperately to stuff my entire 19 years of life into a 20 kilo suitcase, the amount of luggage you can bring onto an air plane without high extra fees, I finally understood what my dad has been trying too tell me for as long as I can remember: “You simply own WAY too much!”

I realized I the same thing once more after happily trying to forget it for two months, when moving from one room to another in the apartment I share. It took me over a day just to move my things, which I though I had full control over, from a room I hadn’t been staying in for more than a few months. I had already acquired more stuff than I could handle.

I had exactly the same problem even when going home from Shanghai for Christmas a few weeks after moving rooms, as I had when I left Norway. There was just too much things to bring. And I weren’t even planning on bringing much. I made a list of things I felt I absolutely couldn’t leave behind, and suddenly it was three A4 pages long! When I left, I “only” brought with me 13 kilos, after heavily slimming down what I thought I needed.

I just love my things, my books, clothes, shoes, CDs, make-up, dictionaries, art pieces, hair products, camera equipment and not to mention all my jewellery and junk. I’m the kind of person who brings 24 kilos, 4 kilos overweight, when just going on a two week holiday where you technically shouldn’t be needing more than 5.

It’s like what Carrie Bradshaw exclaims in the Sex and the City series: “I like my money right when I can see it – hanging in my closet.” Except I don’t mind it laying around the house either.

However, when I get back to Norway again in May, a lot of those things are going away on Ebay.

It feels like that safe, secure ground beneath me is shaking and ripping and turning into something I don’t fully understand. Or maybe in some ways don’t want to. Everything I honestly thought I was is gone, with only pieces and tiny fragments left for me to use. Maybe I’m calmer, kinder, happier, dumber.. or just done with high school?

I can’t say I know anything about who I am any more, and so I’m getting more and more desperate to figure it out. Who am I? What am I? Where do I want to be? What do I want? -With my life? -To study? -To be? -To wear? What makes me happy?

I guess I’m back at the place I was when I was 16. Wiser, more confident and self secure, of course, but just as confused. So, same thing as last time. I’ll be reading articles like “The Art of Building Self-Esteem” and “The Art of Patience” (the names match!) for a longer period, I’m guessing. While watching Gossip Girl, along with all my usual werewolf/horror movies.

Now, if you don’t know what a TFP is, it’s short for Trade-For-Portfolio, or Time-For-Print as the Wikipedia says it. It’s when a photographer and a person, doesn’t need to be a (aspiring) model, decides to take pictures for practise. It’s free and both parts get to use the pictures to promote themselves as they please, as long as they agree on which terms between themselves.

^{(Photo; David Li)}

Now, I’m not really trying to build up much of a portfolio, although I think everything with photography is really fun. What I want is to remember what I’ve looked like, so that I can look back when I turn 60 and show the rest of the family how pretty I used to be. So that I can remember my ageing process, from a 10 year old to 50, and not just in bad snapshots and second annually studio taken family photos. I simply want good, maybe even themed photos. Perhaps that’s the real reason why I love photographing. Because it makes it easier to remember the past as it were, and not just in blurry thoughts and half-forgotten phrases. Or maybe it’s because I’m a bit vain. (Who isn’t?)

Anyway. We (the photographer, the wife, their cute kiddo and me) went to take pictures in the 1933 building in the Hongkou district. It’s an old butchery with an extremely impressive architecture. It was very fun and the photographer was very kind (he even explained bits of the Chinese culture for me!). His wife put make-up on me, and I think it was rather interesting to see/feel someone work on my face for around 30-45 minutes. It’s a bit creepy that the worn down building used to be a large butchers place though.

^{(Photo; David Li)}